Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Anybody Over the Age of 35 with a Good Idea or Two

Dear Adam,

I want to be President of the United States, but I'm neither a Democrat nor a Republican. How do I get elected?

Partied-out in Pittsburgh

Dear P-O'ed,

If you really have ideas that will work in the White House, people will believe in you when they hear them. The good news is, you can spread the word to the entire world for practically no cost at all. You'll be in the oval office by 2012 (and maybe sooner) if you follow this simple advice (unless somebody else with better ideas and smarter execution beats you).

To start your silicon roots campaign. type up a concise, compelling email that leads with your best idea to solve the nastiest problem. Conclude with the statement that when you become president, you'll fix this nasty problem and more. Ask the person to forward this email to anyone who cares about America. Send the email to everyone you know.

Then videotape a statement that says exactly the same thing. Load it onto YouTube. Send another email with a link to your YouTube video. Wait four weeks. Repeat the process, replacing your best idea with your second best idea.

Once your YouTube views start elevating into the mega-thousands, do all the other things like setting up a Web site, blog, and asking people for money. At that point, you'll know what to do. If your ideas are good enough, you can start now and get elected in November. Just register with all the states that allow it as a write-in candidate, and you could be the next president.

Here's the secret. Tell everybody between the ages of 18 and 25 that the other candidates think they're idiots whose votes don't matter. Tell people who vote for American Idol that the government is scared to death that they'll vote. Tell beer-drinking wrestling fans that the candidates are praying they're too drunk and too lazy to get off their butts and show up at the polls. Tell everyone who is currently not planning on voting (most people) that this is the vote that will count. Tell them whatever you want.

And welcome to the White House.

1 comment:

The Bare's said...

I think it's funny that politicians talk about "the educated voter" as if all that many of them really exist in this country. Seems like another key to becoming president is convincing stupid people that they know what's going on by calling them educated voters. After that, you can lie to them and promise them the moon, and in all their "educatedness", they'll eat it up like it's blue raspberry Jello and the year is 1994.